The Asexual journal is an independent platform publishing work by asexual, aromantic, and agender authors.

Affirmations for Asexuals Playing the Dating Game

Affirmations for Asexuals Playing the Dating Game

Dating is wild. Everyone has their own needs, baggage, and goals that make finding a romantic match or partnership the convoluted game that it is.

For those of us who are asexual and have thrown our hats into the ring, our sexual orientation may introduce its own challenges with dating. Acephobia and ignorance are still rampant, and it can be complicated to navigate dating while being confronted with these issues. You might continually need to educate your potential dates or partners on what asexuality is and what that means for you, which can quickly get old. Even when you’re proud of your identity, you may continue to grapple with lingering insecurities that stem from living in a society where asexuality is marginalized, and these doubts can arise when you’re dating or in a relationship.

For the aces who are playing the dating game and are dealing with your fair share of frustrations, here are some simple affirmations:

  1. Asexuality is not a flaw. It is a valid sexual orientation, not a condition that needs to be fixed.

  2. Asexuality does not make you any less desirable as a romantic partner. You are as worthy of love as everyone else. You have just as much to offer as anyone else.

  3. The right time to bring up your asexuality to a date is whenever it feels comfortable for you. You aren’t “deceiving” anyone if you choose to wait before disclosing this part of yourself to a romantic interest, and you don’t owe anyone this knowledge. It makes total sense if you choose to wait until you trust the person more to come out to them.

  4. When you do come out, keep in mind that you are divulging something personal about yourself. Your date’s reaction will provide excellent insight about their personality and values. Any decent person will appreciate and honor what you’re sharing with them.

  5. Nobody gets brownie points for dating you “despite” your sexuality. Someone who is willing to date an asexual should not be placed on a pedestal by you or anyone else.

  6. There are plenty of allosexuals who would be fine with dating an asexual and plenty who would not. Either way, that is not a value judgment about you as a person.

  7. You don’t have to push yourself past your comfort zone to please a partner. You don’t have to behave in a way that is foreign or difficult for you in order to please a partner. You don’t have to pretend to not be asexual in order to please a partner.

  8. You can say no. You are allowed to have boundaries. Your boundaries are just as valid as anyone else’s.

  9. Compromise isn’t compromise if you’re the only one extending yourself.

  10. Internalized acephobia is real. It might be something you grapple with while you’re dating or in a relationship. It might tell you that you’re an inferior partner because of your sexual orientation. Don’t listen to it; if you do listen to it, don’t believe it.

  11. You don’t need to “make up” for being asexual. That’s the internalized acephobia talking.

  12. You don’t owe anyone sex.

  13. Having sex doesn’t make you any less asexual.

  14. There are so many more ways to express love for someone other than having sex with them.

  15. Your partners are privileged to date you. You have so much to teach others about love, emotional connection, and the human experience.

In a society where asexual people are still stigmatized, it’s vital to keep reminding yourself that you are worthy of love, even if your past experiences may inform you otherwise. There are beautiful experiences to be had through dating, so don’t let discouragement keep you from seeking connection in the ways that you want.

On Sensual Attraction: Yes, sometimes people do "just want to cuddle."

On Sensual Attraction: Yes, sometimes people do "just want to cuddle."

"You're Such a Waste": Too Attractive to be Asexual

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